I've never named it anxiety. I've never named it anything, to be honest. I just was. I knew I could get over a relationship. I always knew it was only a temporary situation that would be fixed given enough time. It's not even that much time this time, six months should do. Hell, I've already spent one month alone, the next five months should be peanuts. And yet...
I've found out that I love this girl. I have found out that I don't want to go on without this girl. I have found out that I want to do everything in my power to make this girl happy. And making her happy maybe means to let her go...
And yet I can't. I can't think of what I had just two months ago and agree that I do not have it anymore. I hate myself for being who I was two months ago. I hate myself for not being able to do whatever she asked of me at that point in time. I hate myself for not realizing how much you meant for me.
I still have the bracelet you bought for me, laying on my night stand. I've never really liked bracelets, but you have bought it with love. Now I feel silly for not wearing it.
"I love you. I love you. I love you." It keeps repeating in my mind. Hell, I would even dance for you, if it would make you come back. I would dance for you and keep dancing until I die, if it just meant that you would be there in front of me, dancing with me.
If only I could turn back time.
I am afraid. I am so much afraid of everything that is going to happen in the future. Will I ever see you again? Will I ever touch you again? Will we ever share the bed again? Or will you just get over me and move on.
I want to construct a life with you. I want to build a house with you. I want to have a family with you. I want to follow you to wherever you go. Just to be with you and to be happy.
I see your smile when I close my eyes.
It is too late. It's been too late for months. It's been too late since I started doubting my feeling for you. And I hate myself for it. And I am afraid of losing you, even though I already lost you. I feel like I cannot handle anything anymore, not a normal life, not even waking up in the morning, or going to bed.
I can't shake this feeling, this fear, this image of a life without you. A life without love. My logic doesn't compute anymore, only the emotions and the fear stays.
I try to imagine how it felt to touch your lion-king hair.
"It's only temporary, it's only temporary, it's only temporary." I repeat it over and over again, hoping that I will once believe it. But I never do. This feeling, it seems like it will last forever.
When I open the door of our old house, I always think your dog will come running down, to welcome us when we finally arrive home. But even the dog is gone.
The discussions that we had, they all feel so meaningless now. Why would I mind talking to your sister? Why would I mind having a walk during office hours? Wouldn't it all be easy if it just meant you would spent more time with me?
Your brought so much positivism in my life.
And yes, of course I am afraid I would fall in the same old routine again. Of course I am afraid I would become the same asshole I was before if I get what I want. But I don't want it to be like that. I will not allow it anymore. I will seek help, I will listen to your advice, I will hang myself before I would ever lose you again. And I don't want to fight the same discussions over and over again anymore.
When I go to bed, I hug my pillows and try not to think about you. I should have hugged you more when I had the chance.
I am trying to be happy for you, because you were able to get out. But I can only think about my life without you. I can only think of the darkness of the night. I can only think of how much I will actually miss you.
I'm a fool.