Maaike,
I know I made mistakes. I know I made a huge amount of mistakes. The biggest mistake I made was not knowing if I loved you or not. I don't know why I didn't know for sure, and most people tell me that I didn't; otherwise I would have known.
I don't know about that.
Our cat is sitting in the sofa. Our cat is sitting on the place where your dog used to sit. Or, well, back then it was our dog.
I've been thinking about a lot these days. Or better, these weeks. I've been wondering what I see as love, I've been wondering how I react to love.
Our cat still smells the dog. He's looking for him. He doesn't trust it here. But I've locked him up, so he can't leave. I need him here, for now.
Most people will say it's wrong, but I strongly feel like my love is bounded with pain. I've always loved people more after they've hurted me. It's fucked up, I know. But I have the feeling it's true. And I'm hurt now, Maaike, so I know I love you. A strange miswiring in my brain; I hate my brain.
Our cat jumped from the sofa and walks towards the door. He wants to go out. I don't want him to go out. It's easy to control a cat.
I want to start again and do things better, Maaike. I want to improve how I am. I want to stop saying those stupid things to you. I want to make you feel happy, want to know who you are. Completely. I want to wake up next to you, want to fall asleep with you in my arms. I want you to tell me those crazy stories. I want you, now.
Our cat is angry. Our cat is noisy. She's calling for help, help to let her out. No, cat. You stay here.
A friend once told me that, if I even decide to change how I treat you, I should keep in mind that I have to keep it up until the end of times. I'm not going to lie, I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid that I maybe can't keep up my good promises. But I want to try. I want to try it for you. And I believe I can do it.
The cat keeps screaming, so I open the door. He runs away at nearly the speed of light.
I know you'll probably never give me the chance again. I'm trying to be okay with it. But please, don't let it be like all the Maaike's before you. I'm not ready to never see you again.
Our cat is sitting on the windowsill. He's looking inside. I'm imagining that he's checking if I'm still alright. I imagine he's checking if it's alright to go.
I miss you, Maaike. Actually, I miss all of you. I'd like to go out and have a drink with every single one of you. Because I've been acting stupid and I want to make it up to you all.
Our cat runs away, runs to the garden.
I hope it will be back later.
I hope you'll be back later.
Love,
Daan.